Hold Me Closer
by Sasassy
Summary: There's only one person who gets to see Renji grieve.


Uta was about to put the finishing touches on his latest mask when he heard someone knock on the door. Taking a look at his calendar he had an inkling as to who it was going to be. He got up and took off his glasses and working gloves. He could finish the mask easily enough the next morning before the client came to pick it up. There were more pressing matters to tend to.

He crossed the room and opened the door. Sure enough it was Renji, eyes bloodshot and nose red. He looked miserable and Uta knew it was particularly rough this time around. It didn't surprise him, after everything that had happened this past year.

He sidestepped so the other man could enter and flipped the sign to _Closed_ before he locked up his shop. By the time he was done, Renji had already shed his coat and taken off his shoes, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, unable to look Uta in the eye. The mask maker didn't get why he was still so embarrassed by this situation. They'd been doing this for almost a decade now, there was nothing they hadn't shared before. But he respected that Renji felt the way he did and didn't address it, he just headed towards his bedroom. He knew the other man would follow him suit.

Uta sat down on his bed, back up against the wall and opened his arms slightly in a welcoming gesture. Renji didn't hesitate even a second. He crawled into the space between Uta's thighs and wrapped his arms impossibly tight around the other's torso. His head came to rest in the crook of his neck, face pressed up against the tattoo there and beard tickling Uta's collarbone. Uta wrapped his own limbs around his friend carefully but snuggly, engulfing him in his warmth, so Renji would never forget that he wasn't alone in this.

"I'm here," he added for good measure because sometimes Renji got too caught up in his head and lost sight of the people who supported him. There weren't terribly many but they did exist and Uta felt the need to confirm his support every so often. He did care for Renji and now wasn't the time to not be showing this.

Renji shook in his arms, a familiar sign of oncoming tears as Uta had learned over the years. It didn't take long until he could feel the wetness on his neck and he tightened his arms some more as fingers dug into his flesh. He worked his fingers into Renji's silver hair and stroked it gently, soothingly, and hummed, a low sound of comfort that rumbled through his chest and throat.

##

The first time he'd seen Renji like this had been before they'd stopped fighting and started talking. They were in the middle of a fight when Uta noticed the unusual redness rimming his opponent's eyes and the way his breath would occasionally hiccup. Uta noticed but it didn't translate into a deeper understanding, he just saw a chance to get one over him. In the end it had been Uta who pulled out of the fight. Renji had been reckless and if he'd fought anyone else, he would have been killed within minutes. But Uta liked fighting the ghoul who'd waltzed into the 4th Ward one day and refused to leave. He was intrigued by the mysterious man who didn't talk and could take a punch as well as he delivered them. So he didn't kill him and let him off the hook.

As soon as Renji had realised what Uta had done, he'd fled the scene without so much as a look at his enemy. It took several weeks until they met again and only a few more for them to start talking.

The next time it had happened, Renji had explained himself. He had told Uta about his sister and how she had been murdered before, but as Uta had taken out the last ghoul about to kill Renji in his weakened state he'd broken down and told him everything. How she had left behind husband and children, how much he still missed her and how it was the anniversary of her death that day.

Uta had hauled Renji back to his own apartment and patched him up, angry at his recklessness and disappointed that Renji would be stupid enough to let himself be killed.

He'd said it out loud too, when he felt that the other man could hear it and Renji had just shrugged.

"There's nothing left for me here. No one would notice if I was gone."

Uta had actually slapped him hard enough to fracture Renji's cheekbone.

"You're a fucking idiot. Her children are still alive and she would want you to look after them. Her family is your family too, so don't you dare say there's nothing left for you. They would notice if you were gone. Fucking hell, I'd notice too!" He all but screamed it, so enraged at Renji's ignorance and self-pity.

Renji's gaze had dropped to the floor, shoulders hunched over. Uta hadn't been sure if he was still listening or if he'd flee the room as soon as his head stopped spinning. He wouldn't let him get away though.

"If you act like you did today one more time, I'm going to kill you myself. And you know me, it won't be as pleasant as being ripped apart by three starving ghouls."

He'd expected Renji to get angry and storm out of the apartment. He definitely hadn't thought that Renji would break down. Quite literally. He slumped to the floor, eyes brimming with tears that finally dropped down his cheek and shaky little sobs escaped his mouth.

Uta had been utterly stumped.

"Hey … please don't uhm … do that," he'd managed to say awkwardly after a while. But Renji hadn't stopped, he'd just sobbed harder, his whole body shaking with it.

In the end he'd sat down next to him, clumsily half-hugging Renji's shoulder for longer than they both would care to admit, until his crying had died down and he'd made a run for the door in his embarrassment.

The next year Renji went to Uta's place right away. He'd remembered the offered comfort that made his grief almost manageable and he craved Uta's warmth and patience.

It became a tradition then.

##

"I feel like I can't take it," Renji murmured suddenly and Uta was ripped from his reminiscing and startled. That was odd. He never talked when he was like this.

"What do you mean?" Uta asked softly and studied the part of Renji's face he could see. Stoic as always, save for the tears on his cheeks.

"Touka is so much like _her_." He took a shaky breath and blinked away a tear furiously. "I'm not sure if I can take it."

With the hand that wasn't buried in Renji's hair, Uta cradled his face and wiped the tears away tenderly with his thumb. "Sure you can," he finally whispered when there were no fresh tears left on his cheek. "She needs you now more than ever and you'd never forgive yourself if you abandoned her. You're the last family she has left now."

Renji took another shaky breath and leaned into Uta's hand, relishing the fond gesture. He was always so open to affection during these days, soaking up every touch as if he was starved of contact. Which he probably was, Uta mused, since he never let anyone come close enough to show that they cared. It had taken the mask maker _years_ to come to this point, where he could touch his friend without him flinching or running away.

"She doesn't know I'm family," Renji said after a minute of silence. "And she doesn't need me. No one does."

Uta sighed, trying to keep his anger and hurt at bay. There they went again. He should have been used to it by now, it happened every year. It still hurt as much as it did the first time, though. Maybe it hurt even more now, but he needed to be the strong one.

"You know that's not true. Touka does need you. She's just a child who lost her mother way too early, who lost her father not long after and who now lost her little brother too. She may not know that you're her uncle but she loves you and she really needs you anyway." The "and so do I" was mouthed soundlessly into Renji's hair as he kissed the top of his head.

They had known each other for nearly a decade but their relationship had only taken a turn fairly recently. After Renji had moved to the 20th Ward and cooled his temper and Uta had handed over his role of peacemaker, they'd finally had time to pursue their friendship without the danger and imminent death threats.

And one night, as they'd lain entangled in each other, basking in the afterglow of their unexpected love-making, they'd realised that maybe friendship wasn't what they wanted.

That was almost two years ago, but they took it slow. Renji was bad with relationships, he tended to push everyone away in fear. He was so afraid of losing any more people he cared about that he would prefer to make them leave himself. Uta had spent the first months of their not-quite-yet-relationship assuring Renji that he wouldn't just die on him or leave him without a reason. Slowly they were getting there though, sometimes Uta felt like they could have been a normal couple. He still didn't dare to say the L-word to Renji though. He was too afraid of the reaction he'd get. He didn't want to lose Renji.

So he mumbled it in his lover's hair when he slept or traced the symbols on his back when he held him.

Renji's breath hitched and Uta braced himself for another breakdown, but it didn't come. Instead he felt Renji's lips move along his neck, his mouth forming words against the Skin there. He couldn't decipher them but he supposed Renji was thanking him. He did that every year as soon as he calmed down.

They fell silent again, Uta's finger relentlessly caressing Renji's hair and Renji clinging to Uta.

"Are you ready to go to sleep?" he asked after a while and Renji nodded slowly.

They detangled and stripped down to their underwear quickly before slipping under the heavy cover and resumed their position.

"It still hurts," Renji mumbled and buried his face in Uta's neck as soon as they were settled. There were no more tears though, the worst had passed already, his grief once again bottled up until next year.

"I know. But we'll deal with that, won't we?" Uta went back to stroking silver hair and he briefly wondered when exactly he'd left behind his violent younger self and turned out this affectionate. It must have been Renji's fault, there was no other explanation for his change in personality.

Renji kissed his lover's neck tenderly.

"We will," he said before he stretched up and captured Uta's lips with his own. There was no urgency to their kiss, just soothing heat and a firm reminder that they still had and always would have each other.


End file.
